Mistakes Parents Make

Did you know that you may be your own worst enemy when it comes to parenting? Dr. Hiam G. Ginott (2003) has labeled seven common parenting patterns as self-defeating. Not only do these patterns fail to help us reach our end goals, but they create chaos in our homes, and undesirable behavior in our children. “These self-defeating patterns include threats, bribes, promises, sarcasm, verbal overkill, sermons on lying and stealing, and rude teaching of politeness” (Ginott, 2003, p. 59). Let’s discuss each pattern in more detail.

Threats

Have you ever used the phrase, “if you do that one more time, I’m going to (fill in the blank)” when trying to get your child to stop what he is doing? How’d that work for you? If your child is anything like mine, they probably turned around and did the exact thing you told them not to. You see, “to children, threats are invitations to repeat a forbidden act” (Ginott, 2003 p. 59). Your child failed to hear the “if you” all he heard was “do that one more time.” He honestly thought you expected him to do it and he didn’t want to disappoint you. “Your warning serve[d] as a challenge to [his] autonomy” (Ginott, 2003, p. 59) and he wasn’t about to let you damage his self-respect.

Instead of threatening, “if you shoot your baby brother one more time, I’m going to take the nerf gun away.” Simply say, “not at the baby. Shoot at the target” (Ginott, 2003, p. 59). If he shots again, take the gun away and reinforce that people are not for shooting. This will teach him the consequences of his actions without damaging his self-respect.

Ariadne Brill (2015), a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, offers three effective ways to discipline without threats.

1. Be specific instead of using unclear and angry words.

Sometimes our children continue misbehaving because they don’t understand what we want them to do. Instead of threatening discipline, explain why the behavior is unacceptable.

2. Remember cooperation happens when children feel capable and encouraged. Instead of threatening, try offering alternatives that involve your child in the process.

Instead of saying “leave your sister alone or you’ll be sent to your room.” Say, “Do you want to come over here and help me? Your sister would like to play alone right now, but I would like your company!” (Brill, 2015)

3. Use language that invites cooperation.

Instead of saying, “Pick up your toys or else!” Say, “Let’s work together: I’ll put these books on the shelf, would you like to put the blocks away or animals in the drawer?” (Brill, 2015)

Bribes

According to research, bribes do not affect behavior or motivate children in the long run, they simply: “buy temporary compliance” (Dennis). Our goal in parenting should not be “manipulated obedience,” it should be to help our child gain the desire to be obedient (McDonald, 2019).

When we bribe a child, we send a message that the behavior or activity is unpleasant. After all, one must be rewarded to want to do it. The child then views the reward as the benefit of doing an unpleasant task. This thinking robs them of experiencing the natural reward of the activity. “Using bribes to manipulate kids to repeat a desired behavior is a control tactic that makes kids focus on the reward rather than helping them want to repeat the behavior” (Markham, 2017).

Instead of bribing to buy results, try giving rewards when they are unexpected. “Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation” (Ginott, 2003, p. 60).

Promises

Our relationship with our children should be built on trust, therefore “promises should neither be made to, nor demanded of, children” (Ginott, 2003, p. 61). According to Dr. Ginott, “promises build up unrealistic expectations in children” (Ginott, 2003, p. 61). He (2003) gave the following example to illustrate how unrealistic expectations cause grief for all involved. When you promise your child a trip to the zoo, they consider it a commitment that the trip will go off without a hitch. They expect the weather to be perfect, the animals to be out in their exhibits, and that no one in the family will be sick. As an adult, you realize that life isn’t perfect and trips don’t always go according to plan. You may feel a little disappointment but that is nothing in comparison to what your child feels. Your child feels betrayed and convinced that you cannot be trusted. Resulting in the familiar cry of, “but you promised!”

Sarcasm

“Bitter sarcasm and cutting clichés have no place in child upbringing” (Ginott, 2003, p. 62). When parents use sarcasm, they create barriers to effective communication and learning and damage their child’s mental health.

Verbal overkill

How many times have you been told, “you talk like a parent”? This shouldn’t be viewed as a compliment, what they are saying is stop talking. You’ve already made your point and are just repeating yourself. I’ve stopped listening.

“Every parent needs to learn economical methods of responding to children, so that minor mishaps do not turn into major catastrophes” (Ginott, 2003, p. 62).

Dr. Ginott offered the following example of how a sympathetic brief reply prevented a futile argument:

Ruth (age 8): Mommy, did you know that junior high school is the school of romance?

Mother: Oh?

Ruth: Yes, the boys and girls have parties all the time.

Mother: So, you’re looking forward to junior high?

Ruth: Oh, yes!

In the past Ruth’s mother related that she would have lectured her daughter about wasting her time; that school is for learning, not romancing; and that she was altogether too young to think about such things. Long arguments and a spoiled mood would have followed. Instead she acknowledged her daughter’s desire. (Ginott, 2003, p. 63)

Sermons on lying

“Parents are enraged when children lie, especially when the lie is obvious and the liar is clumsy” (Ginott, 2003, p. 65).

According to Dr. Ginott, “parents should not ask questions that are likely to cause defensive lying” (2003, p. 65). Which means, do not ask questions when you already know the answer. You will only be frustrated by the response.

Here is an example that illustrates this principle and explains why it is so harmful:

Quentin, age seven, broke a new truck given to him by his father. He became frightened and hid the broken pieces in the basement. When his father found the remains of the truck, he fired off a few questions that led to an explosion.

Father: Where is your new truck?

Quentin: It’s somewhere.

Father: I didn’t see you playing with it.

Quentin: I don’t know where it is.

Father: Find it. I want to see it.

Quentin: Maybe someone stole the truck.

Father: You are a damned liar! You broke the truck! Don’t think you can get away with it. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a liar!

This was an unnecessary battle. Instead of sneakingly playing detective and prosecutor, and labeling his son a liar, his father would have been more helpful to his son by stating, “I see your new truck is broken. It did not last long. It’s a pity. You really enjoyed playing with it.” The child might have learned some valuable lessons: Dad understands. I can tell him my troubles. I must take better care of his gifts. I have to be more careful. (Ginott, 2003, p. 66)

Have you ever wondered why children lie? Dr. Ginott explains, “sometimes they lie because they are not allowed to tell the truth” (2003, p. 67). He (2003) used the following example to illustrate his theory:

Four-year-old Willie stormed into the living room, angry, and complained to his mother: “I hate Grandma!” His mother, horrified, answered, “No, you don’t. You love Grandma! In this home we don’t hate. Besides, she gives you presents and takes you places. How can you even say such a horrible thing?”

But Willie insisted, “No, I hate her, I hate her. I don’t want to see her anymore.” His mother, now really upset, decided to use a more drastic educational method. She spanked Willie.

Willie, not wanting to be punished more, changed his tune: “I really love Grandma, Mommy,” he said. How did Mommy respond? She hugged and kissed Willie and praised him for being such a good boy.

What did little Willie learn from this exchange? It’s dangerous to tell the truth, to share your true feelings with your mother. When you’re truthful, you get punished; when you lie, you get love. Truth hurts. Stay away from it. Mommy loves little liars. Mommy likes to hear only pleasant truths. Tell her only what she wants to hear, not how you really feel.

What could Willie’s mother have answered if she wanted to teach Willie to tell the truth?

She would have acknowledged his upset: “Oh, you no longer love Grandma. Would you like to tell me what Grandma did that made you so angry?” He may have answered, “She brought a present for the baby, not for me.” (p. 67)

“If we want to teach honesty, then we must be prepared to listen to bitter truths as well as pleasant truths” (Ginott, 2003, p. 68).

Sermons on Stealing

“It is not uncommon for young children to bring home things that do not belong to them” (Ginott, 2003, p. 71). When you discover your child has stolen something, “it is best to confront him unemotionally” (Ginott, 2003, p. 71). Resist the urge for long lectures and dramatics. Steer clear of questions that may result in defensive lying. Instead, state the facts and the information you know.

Rude teaching of politeness

“Politeness is both a character trait and a social skill; it is acquired through identification with, and imitation of, parents who are themselves polite” (Ginott, 2003, p. 72).

Parents have a gift for teaching politeness in rude ways. We interrupt the interrupting child to teach them to stop interrupting. We point out, in front of other people, when they have forgotten to say thank you. We quickly remind them to say goodbye, even if we have yet to do it ourselves.

“Parents should not be rude in the process of enforcing child politeness” (Ginott, 2003, p. 73). Telling a child, they are rude is not going to inspire them to be polite. The only way to inspire polite behavior is to model it yourself.

References:

Brill, A. (2015, November 13). Why Threats and Bribes Don’t Lead to Cooperation and What to

Try Instead. Retrieved December 14, 2019, from https://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/why-threats-and-bribes-dont-lead-to-cooperation-and-what-to-try-instead/.

Dennis, S. (n.d.). What’s the Problem with Bribes?. Retrieved December 14, 2019 from:

https://byui.instructure.com/courses/70488/assignments/2718625?module_item_id=7551102

Ginott, H. (2003). Self-defeating Patterns: There's No Right Way to Do a Wrong Thing. In

Between Parent and Child (pp. 58–75). Retrieved from: https://content.byui.edu/file/d8eb8fca-89c5-4432-a589-59a57e705539/1/Parent%20and%20Child_Combined.pdf

Markham, L. (2017, July 19). What's So Bad About Bribing Your Child? Retrieved December

14, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201707/whats-so-bad-about-bribing-your-child.

McDonald, S. (2019). W05 Spiritual Opener: Bribes. Unpublished Essay Response, Brigham

Young University - Idaho

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